I'll give you what I want.

I need to create a new space for myself. I'm not sure I like this one anymore.

I've often prided myself on believing that I could easily adapt to change. I've thought of myself as someone who is able to "go with the flow", as they say, and not be bothered by the inconsistencies in life.

I s'pose I lied. Funny thing, that denial is. It's a strong drug. And the worst thing about it: it's like natural gas. It's insipid and vastly unnoticeable. That is, until you add a scent to it. This makes it all the more lethal.

There is not much that a person can do until they recognize just how deep in denial they are. I just so happen to find myself chest level. Heh. And there I go my whole life thinking that I'm not that great of a swimmer. I've been wading for quite some time. The simple truth of the matter is, my hubris hurt me. See, I've recently come to the conclusion that I'm human. That is, I know nothing. I am more vulnerable, less self-sustainable, and more stagnant than I previously gave myself credit for being. This is a pretty grand--and obviously, bleak--realization for one to make.

Okay, so, for many people, me typing this probably obviates the argument that I am simply "human". Unfortunately, this is a grand oversight on many people's part. In making this realization, I have separated myself from about 95% of the world. Most people believe themselves to be what Descartes would call "Man". They are the makers of their own destiny (to some extent) and they are capable of knowing everything that they need to know. Man is about control. Man is above the world. However, I, as a human, find myself situated within it. Humanity, as opposed to Man(ness?) is an understanding of a less controlling existence. I've come to realize that all that I know pales in comparison to all that there is to know. Nothing is for certain and my knowledge is only as far as my experiences. These experiences and reality don't always match up 100%. This realization was my first step in recognizing my own denial.

Where I thought I was, I wasn't. Instead, I was seeing myself as I hoped I could be. And this, is why I say that my experiences and reality don't always sync up perfectly. Denial caused me to project the image (in my head) of who I thought I would like to be. Really, to me, I was a pretty decent guy. When this happens, it's quite difficult to see why so many bad things happen to you. (This, if goes unchecked, can lead to the "victim mentality". But that is a topic for another post.)
Luckily, I have come to realize that life, sometimes gives what you give. Hmm, this seems a bit pessimistic, but it's really optimism. It's only the pessimist who find this to be pessimistic. If you are given lemons, as they say, and you make lemonade, as they say, then you will be given lemonade (what? I like commas). Get it? Once you make what you want to make, life will give it to you. Unfortunately, for most of us, life doesn't give handouts. But it will hand out what we make from it. This is where denial begins to wear things down.

When you can't see that you are not who or where you want to be, then you can only give life a certain set of ingredients. Yet, once you recognize areas that need to be changed, and actively begin to change them, then you can receive a better product, because (as Papa John says) "better ingredients" makes "better pizza." Denial likes to seep in and keep us from realizing this fact. In doing so, it prevents us from truly accepting who and what we are so that we will remain who we think we are, and never know the difference. Of course, this is not a problem, unless you grow curious about why your life is the way it is. It's not always other people, sometimes--okay, most times--it's really you.